It was about 11 o'clock at night and I was sitting on the toilet. I look over to my left to grab some toilet paper, but the roll was empty. I look closer at this apparent travesty and see that the empty roll reads "Haha." At that very moment, my entire day flashed before my eyes.
My April first started like any other day besides the whole part of waking up to the sound of two people bumping uglies. I look around my room and see nowhere that the noise would be coming out of, so I open my door. I open it just to see my brother sitting on the laptop, blasting porn through the speakers just to wake me up. Seeing the big smile on his face, I just think to myself that I will get him back. Bad. I shut the laptop and tell him to stop thinking that he is so funny. He smiled and carried on with his day.
At about noon I get hungry, so I pull a pizza out of my freezer. I turn on the oven to 425 as always, and wait. After about five minutes of just the oven warming up, I smell smoke. And a lot of it. I run to my kitchen, jumping over both of my dogs, and ignoring the laws of physics. I throw open the oven to see what is in it, and there is a slab of napalm burning. I run to the basement to grab the fire extinguisher, but it isn't there. I sprint upstairs somehow avoiding all of the many obstacles in my way and grab the fire extinguisher in the upstairs closet. I throw myself down the stairs and back into the kitchen as my ears hear the blazing of the fire alarms. I open back up the oven and spray it down. I hear my brother then yell from upstairs, "April Fools! Now clean that mess up before Mom and Dad get home from Grandmas." At that very moment, I thought of the ultimate April fools joke.
As I finished cleaning up the oven and scraping the melted napalm out of the bottom, I text my sister. I tell her my plan, and she agrees to go along with it. I then call my mom. I tell her "You gotta get home, and quick. But I can't talk right now. Just get home, please!" Once I hung up, she called me back. She asked "Whats wrong, Evan?!" I then tell her one of the worst things someone could ever hear "The house is on fire. Drew and I are okay and we have the dogs here, but the firemen don't know how much of the house will be left." My mom was speechless, but after a second she told me that she is on her way and that she will be home in a little bit. I hung up the phone and started cracking up.
In the car, my mom was panicking. She set down her phone, and my sister knew that now its up to her. She took my mom's phone and put it in her pocket. That made sure my mom wouldn't call anyone and tell them. I then sat down to relax, knowing that I possibly just took several years off my mom's life. But at least I will get a good laugh out of it. Then this girl who I have liked for a while called. She asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I instantly said yes. I asked who we would be hanging out with and in a very sensual voice she told me that "Its just going to be us today." Because I am a teenage boy, I went along with it. I asked her where and she told me to meet her at her house and that no one else was home. I instantly hopped on my longboard and rode on over to her house. Once i got up to her front door, I saw a note. It read "I'm not actually home. I am really hooking up with your friend, Jordan. April fools."
After a long, and slow ride home I went to my kitchen and grabbed a cup. I walked to my sink and turned it on.
The spray hose then sprayed my crotch full of water. Quickly turning the sink off, I rolled my eyes and took the rubber band off of the hose. I turned the sink back on and poured myself a tall glass of water. Not knowing any better, I took a sip. It was disgusting. I looked at the counter and saw the Tabasco sauce sitting there. Someone must of laced the cup with it. At that very moment, I heard the car pulling up the driveway.
My mother stormed into the house and without saying a thing, pointed to the staircase. I knew that meant she wanted me out of her sight and in my room. I walked up the stairs in pride, knowing it was worth it. I spent the rest of that day napping until about 11. At 11 I woke up feeling the sudden urge to take a dump, and well, you know the rest of the story.
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