My Best Friend

This is an article all about my best friend.

 I knew we were best friends ever since I started to mock you about your little 'Nokia' phone. The moment you said you would kick my ass, I knew it. I knew we would be friends forever. The time we hung out at the pet store was the best time ever. You said "It wasn't hanging out, I just saw you there. Fag" I remember the time I tried to talk to you when you were talking to a girl, and you pretended that you didn't know me. I like how you hide your face every time I try to take a picture of you. I love how you call me pet names like "fag" and "freak"

Ke$ha

This starts out as a Facebook fight that I had nothing to do with. But after commenting a little bit, I managed to hijack it. I removed some of the unnecessary stuff that wasn't fun. In this, I'm Evan.


Molly- Haha whores these days needa get a life!! Cough cough Tiffany!!!

Keisha- Hahahahahaha!

(Fighting about a guy or something)

Keisha- Can't we all be happy?

(More fighting and calling each other whores)

Evan- This fight is odd. I'm not sure who wins it.

(Fighting and immature 10 year old name calling)

Keisha- Lets be nice and stop fighting!

Evan- KE$HA! No one is gunna be happy just because you say so...

Keisha- shut up evan... my name is not fucking KE$H@.. its keisha so get it right

Faith- i lovee mollyyy:) && keisha ahah

Keisha- haa i love you too faith but someone over here doesnt know how to spell keisha

Evan- Thats me!

Faith- lmao the whole time your just like heyyy, lets be nice. ahahah

Keisha- yeah n i wasnt even talking to you about you to be nice so idk y you had to say anythig

Evan- Go smoke pot somewhere else, Ke$ha. No one needs your chillness rubbing off on them.

Keisha- how bout you go suck a dick and get over it cause i wasnt talking to you, and learn how to spell peoples fucking names while your at it.

Evan- Ik how to spell, Ke$ha. And now you don't seem too chill.
Faith- your a dick evan.

Keisha- umm obviously you dont know how to spell keisha you dumb ass

Evan- What am I doing wrong? Aren't you Ke$ha?

Molly- i ♥ keisha n faithhhh!!!

Keisha- no your fucking retard ke$ha is white.. does it look like im white? NO didnt think so

Evan- Do people ever mistake you for Ke$ha?

Keisha- your fucking dumb

Evan- Pasifist isn't too peaceful now.

Faith- ke$ha is a weird white singer.. KEISHA is a sexy black chick thats funny as hell.

Evan- And is the meanest pacifist I know of.

Keisha- haha yeaah exactly faith :) n evan its cause you said the dumbest shit to me when i wasnt even talking to you so get your facts straight sweetheart :)

(Making fun of my name for 20 minutes)

Evan- I'm back. Sorry I didn't respond. I had to post this status to my trolling blog.

Faith- Shut up faggot

Evan- I bet thats backed up with facts.

Faith- shhh. just stop talking

Evan- So I'm assuming that it isn't backed up? Because if it isn't then I have to quick edit my post on my blog.

Keisha- umkay shut the fuck up now.. your annoying

Evan- Wait. Penis?

Faith- penis you like? wait what?

Evan- Funny. if I wanted my own comeback, I'd wipe it off your mom's face.

Faith- oh my god.. hilarious. you wish you could get my mom. your ugly as hell. ahha

Evan- Ha. Oh the irony.

Keisha- hahahaah!! gtfo

Faith- LMFAO!! i actaully just got that joke now hahahahhahhahahhahh

Evan- Slow?

Faith- you look like you just tooka shit in you picture. your nasty.

Evan- Maybe I did just take a shit in it... Do you have a problem with that?

A few morons

I hate it when people posts statuses about someone but then don't tell who it is about. What is even the point of that? I troll them every time. My name is Chuck

Dylan- Your a lost cause

Michaela 

whoo??

Dylan

nvm lol

Chuck

Why would you post the status if you won't even tell us?

Dylan

who r u?

Michaela

maybe it was a 'had to be there' kinda thing :P

Chuck

If it was then why would he tell us? And I'm Chuck. Can't you tell?

Dylan

na u is a fag

Chuck 

Na me is not a fag. U is a fag.

Dylan

lmao u think u funny huh

Chuck 

I know I'm funny. You think you're gangster?

Dylan

ohhhhh ic this is a jealousy thing

Chuck

Hahaha! What would I be jealous of? Your lack of a brain and good grammar?

Dylan

shit idk look at u im guessin a lot

Michaela

he has things you will NEVER get...

Chuck

I'm jealous of your superior grammar and your talented and witty brain. I will never be as smart as you, and I can only wish I was.

Michaela

again..things you wont ever get

Dylan

id rather not have a fag tryin to complament me

Chuck

Don't talk to Michaela like that!

Dylan

lol u a funny lil guy

Michaela

u best shut up

Chuck

Or what?

Michaela

just watch out

Chuck

You didn't answer my question.

Dylan

Machaela stop he gunna tell his mom

Michaela

.....fine.. :/

Chuck

Ha. I don't talk to my mom. I talk to yours.

Dylan

ur gay

Chuck

Not if I'm doing your mom.

Dylan

lol u a virgin and u know it

Dylan

‎...sorry if I hurt your feelings chuck

Ryan

yo tim ur a straight up faggit

Status comments deleted.

Random thoughts.

If weed made you green, then Bob Marley would look like the Hulk. With dreads. Do you know how epic that shit would be?

If music expresses you, then people who listen to Top 40 just want to do what the crowd does.

In a world without pants, streakers are just people without shirts on.

If we are what we eat, then the only real humans are cannibals.

If I am friends with someone ugly on Facebook and I don't know them, they will get removed.

Facebook is the only place that I can legally write on walls.

Girls on DailyBooth are obsessed with mustaches.

Teachers don't like it when you make fun of the obviously retarded kid. Especially when you say the joke to the teacher.

When you say on Facebook that you are smoking crack, people will believe you.

Cheeze-Its > Cheese Nips

Why do we call our parents "Mom" and "Dad" when they call us by our first names?

If you walk around school pretending to be gay, no girls will want to date you.

Eat to live. Don't live to eat.

Moms don't like it when you tell them that you need to be picked up at a place over a hour away.

It is illegal to sit across the street from a school and take pictures of the kids walking out.

I wish that when people would post statuses about how much they hate me, that they would tag me.

Incest is illegal in Wisconsin.

People think you are stupid if you go around saying that you are glad that it is Friday. When it is really Wednesday.

If someone says that you are "really nice" when you are trolling, then they are just trying to get with you.

Some people over edit their pictures.

April Fools Day

Yesterday was April first. Everyone knows what April first means. It means that everyone is going to think that they are funny and pull some stupid prank on me. It is a day full of ups and downs. This is my April Fools Day story.

It was about 11 o'clock at night and I was sitting on the toilet. I look over to my left to grab some toilet paper, but the roll was empty. I look closer at this apparent travesty and see that the empty roll reads "Haha." At that very moment, my entire day flashed before my eyes.

My April first started like any other day besides the whole part of waking up to the sound of two people bumping uglies. I look around my room and see nowhere that the noise would be coming out of, so I open my door. I open it just to see my brother sitting on the laptop, blasting porn through the speakers just to wake me up. Seeing the big smile on his face, I just think to myself that I will get him back. Bad. I shut the laptop and tell him to stop thinking that he is so funny. He smiled and carried on with his day.

At about noon I get hungry, so I pull a pizza out of my freezer. I turn on the oven to 425 as always, and wait. After about five minutes of just the oven warming up, I smell smoke. And a lot of it. I run to my kitchen, jumping over both of my dogs, and ignoring the laws of physics. I throw open the oven to see what is in it, and there is a slab of napalm burning. I run to the basement to grab the fire extinguisher, but it isn't there. I sprint upstairs somehow avoiding all of the many obstacles in my way and grab the fire extinguisher in the upstairs closet. I throw myself down the stairs and back into the kitchen as my ears hear the blazing of the fire alarms. I open back up the oven and spray it down. I hear my brother then yell from upstairs, "April Fools! Now clean that mess up before Mom and Dad get home from Grandmas." At that very moment, I thought of the ultimate April fools joke.

As I finished cleaning up the oven and scraping the melted napalm out of the bottom, I text my sister. I tell her my plan, and she agrees to go along with it. I then call my mom. I tell her "You gotta get home, and quick. But I can't talk right now. Just get home, please!" Once I hung up, she called me back. She asked "Whats wrong, Evan?!" I then tell her one of the worst things someone could ever hear "The house is on fire. Drew and I are okay and we have the dogs here, but the firemen don't know how much of the house will be left." My mom was speechless, but after a second she told me that she is on her way and that she will be home in a little bit. I hung up the phone and started cracking up.

In the car, my mom was panicking. She set down her phone, and my sister knew that now its up to her. She took my mom's phone and put it in her pocket. That made sure my mom wouldn't call anyone and tell them. I then sat down to relax, knowing that I possibly just took several years off my mom's life. But at least I will get a good laugh out of it. Then this girl who I have liked for a while called. She asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I instantly said yes. I asked who we would be hanging out with and in a very sensual voice she told me that "Its just going to be us today." Because I am a teenage boy, I went along with it. I asked her where and she told me to meet her at her house and that no one else was home. I instantly hopped on my longboard and rode on over to her house. Once i got up to her front door, I saw a note. It read "I'm not actually home. I am really hooking up with your friend, Jordan. April fools."

After a long, and slow ride home I went to my kitchen and grabbed a cup. I walked to my sink and turned it on.

The spray hose then sprayed my crotch full of water. Quickly turning the sink off, I rolled my eyes and took the rubber band off of the hose. I turned the sink back on and poured myself a tall glass of water. Not knowing any better, I took a sip. It was disgusting. I looked at the counter and saw the Tabasco sauce sitting there. Someone must of laced the cup with it. At that very moment, I heard the car pulling up the driveway.

My mother stormed into the house and without saying a thing, pointed to the staircase. I knew that meant she wanted me out of her sight and in my room. I walked up the stairs in pride, knowing it was worth it. I spent the rest of that day napping until about 11. At 11 I woke up feeling the sudden urge to take a dump, and well, you know the rest of the story.

I have some girl problems...

So I was sitting there doing some math and a pleasant female co-worker with whom I was previously acquainted approached me and asked me if I wanted to go for coffee.

I estimated that the distance from my office to the coffee shop to be around 100m +/- 5m, so with a mean walking speed of 1.2 m/s it would take me a maximum of 87.5 seconds to get there. I know for a fact that the length of the corridor outside my office is 18m, +/-1m, and so should take 15.8333333 seconds to traverse.

I decided to walk at her speed, because it seemed like the appropriate social convention if I intended to court this lady. I also timed how long it took us to walk there out of interest. She talked to me as we walked down the corridor and clearly was not focused on the task at hand, to navigate ourselves to the coffee shop in a sensible and timely fashion, drink some coffee and return to work. After 20 seconds, we had still not reached the stairs, meaning she was walking at < 0.9m/s. That is more than 25% slower than the average walking speed.

I asked her why she was intent on wasting my time. When she asked what I meant, I confronted her with the cold harsh fact that she was moving appreciably slower than she ought to be. She asked what was wrong with me, to which I replied that I was not the one who was clearly well outside the normal distribution for human walking speed in an unremarkable situation. She told me to forget it (which clearly defies principals on the function and longevity of human memory) and accelerated in the opposite direction of the coffee shop at an appreciable rate, thereby confirming my suspicion that she was moving slowly in order to waste my time. This in turn made the wasting of my time futile as I no longer had any reason to obey social convention and accept her invitation of coffee.

She later came and told ME that I was unreasonable.